Hell Yeah, I Feel a Difference!

Yesterday I made plans to go to a restorative yoga class today because the gentle stretching and the easy yoga poses are perfect to keep me flexible with all the running I’m doing right now.

But this morning… I wake up with no desire to go, but since I meeting my friend Bev there, I make myself go. I arrive a few minutes early, so I update my Facebook status with: Gentle yoga, it does a body good.  (I think that’s called trying positive reenforcement on myself)

I’m okay through the first 15 minutes of the class, though I find myself feeling out of sorts and having a hard time relaxing. I wish I was home on my couch.

Deep breaths. In and out. Relax.

I tell myself yoga is exactly what I need. Yoga will refresh me and help me feel better. Come on Janet, you know they say yoga is perfect for times like this. (Who are ‘they’ and what do they know anyhow?)

After doing stretches on one side of our body, the instructor (a wonderful, amazing instructor!) says something about pausing and being aware of how our body feels. She asks if we notice any difference between our legs and hips on one side versus the other, since one side was stretched and one wasn’t yet.

Under my breath, I respond with, “Different? You’re damn right, my legs feel different! Stretches or no stretches, they always feel different. They’ve felt different for 8+ years now. Different? I know all about different!” 

Geez Janet, chill! The rational side of my brain (known as tough-no-emotions Janet in Because I Can) tries to calm me down. It’s not that bad. Sure your leg is funky, but you can do most of this yoga without modifying. And think of all the running you can do.

Yes, Yes, I know.

But enough already. I’m tired of doing what I can, because I can. (who came up with that stupid saying anyhow?) I just want to be me. Normal, equal me. And the only difference I want to feel in my legs is when one is stretched in yoga and one isn’t.

But no, I feel all kinds of different all the time. My left leg and hip feel different and it’s not a good different. The ankle is stiff. The knee can’t be bent too far without discomfort. That hip is tighter than the other one. Though my pain continues to decrease, half of the nerves in my left thigh still tingle and even burn at times.

Sitting pose I can’t do

Deep breaths. In and out.
It’s going to be okay.

I muddle my way through the rest of yoga, modifying where I need to. We do a sitting pose where our legs are supposed to twist like some crazy-ass pretzel.

I can’t even begin to do it with my left leg, so I do an extended child’s pose, burying my face in my mat to hide the tears that threaten to flow.

I know being tense when trying to stretch is counterproductive, so I try to let go of my tension. I’m not upset at my body, it’s doing the best it can, but I’m annoyed that this is my life. I’m frustrated that I won’t ever have two good, normal, similar legs.

I’m sad that I don’t get a do-over. That I won’t ever get over all my injuries. That my body will never be the way it was before May 20, 2004. (damn, I hate that date!)

I know it will be okay. I know that I will snap out of this. I know that I have a lot to be thankful for. I know that tomorrow will look better. I know that I will run a 10k in the morning. I know that I’ll be all about doing what I can, because I can tomorrow.

But today I’m not feeling that way, not at all…

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  • Karen

    Ahhhhh Janet my eyes teared up and I can so feel what you are saying. I will never be the same either and I get that way sometimes but hardly express it but I am glad you did and for that I thank you. I feel as though I can’t express my disappointment of not being 100% well because I am better than I was or better than others are so I shouldn’t complain but sometimes I just can’t help it.

    • http://www.facebook.com/JanetOberholtzer Janet Oberholtzer

      Yes, Karen… for both of us “better than I was” is great, but it still isn’t completely recovered. And somedays, like today, I miss what could have been.

  • http://www.facebook.com/kim.leffler.7 Kim Leffler

    I had my leg amputated 24 years ago and i can do somethings well but theres also alot that I cant do. Most of the time I am ok and feel good about myself but i have those days where I do not feel whole. I was told that no one will ever love me because I am not a whole person and its been a long time and that saying still comes back to my head and haunts me. I get upset as well sometimes wishing I could have 2 legs again, wishing that I could do all the things that I could do before. My body will never be the same again. But I am very thankful that I am able to walk and able to do the things that I can.

    • http://www.facebook.com/JanetOberholtzer Janet Oberholtzer

      Yes Kim, I understand about living in that tension of being thankful while also wishing things were different. ((hugs)) to you!

  • http://www.facebook.com/denice.deantonio Denice DeAntonio

    I under stand only too well. I never thought after a stroke I would try yoga. While everyone is on their mats, I must sit in a chair and modify each move. As my instructor says,”honor where you are at”. I totally,”get it”. The frustration about your situation. Everything I do is work. Although I am grateful to be alive, the losses still sadden me. I am glad you shared this. Thank you.

    • http://www.facebook.com/JanetOberholtzer Janet Oberholtzer

      Denice, though our losses might be different, you hit the nail on the head with this line… “Although I am grateful to be alive, the losses still sadden me.” Even though I learned the value of grieving those losses from my mentor, somedays the losses annoy me again.
      And your yoga instructor is right. we need to “honor where we are at” but that doesn’t mean that somedays I don’t wish I was somewhere else.

  • Kelly

    Janet, you are not alone in feeling uncomfortable in that or any yoga class, but you are brave for showing up. Sometimes in a yoga class our emotions feel more raw somehow, exposed. (especially when we’re supposed to feel relaxed! I’ve tried it several times and never quite “got it”.) I think there are many venues for stretching and relaxation. Tai Chi comes to mind as one of those that works for many, myself included. I admire you for trying new things and pushing those boundaries ever farther! And knowing you, you will feel better tomorrow, especially after that run!

    • http://www.facebook.com/JanetOberholtzer Janet Oberholtzer

      Kelly, you are right, I also think I will feel better after I run.
      I’ve been in other yoga classes that I have enjoyed, so I don’t think it was the yoga itself that got to me, I think it was simply “one of those days” and no matter what I would have done, it would have been a down day.

  • Glenna

    Janet, thank you, as always, for your beautiful expression of yourself. Your authenticity is inspiring.

  • Chris Prange-Morgan

    Great post Janet. Thank God you are running today, and that you have more good days than bad ones. I’m glad you write about all of them! I had a similar experience about a month ago w/ a restorative yoga class….initially I was psyched because I knew the instructor was good and understood how to be gentle, but when I went on a different day (different instructor), like a dope, I could only get a spot in front and thought I’d do okay. Nope! I just got frustrated w/ myself and sat on my mat like a spoiled kid who couldn’t play. I watched the other women smiling and getting their zen on, while I cursed to myself under my breath and couldn’t wait to get home and have my own private pity-party. Sometimes things just suck. And we pull up our bootstraps and try to be positive and think positively but some days it is just so damn hard. Thank you for sharing your journey…and your honesty.

  • bbubblyb bbubblyb

    Your last paragraph speaks loud to me especially lately when it seems I have more down days than usual. I love how you always bring yourself out of the hole and keep pushing on. I sure didn’t run a 10k today but I’m so glad you could :) You always inspire me but in that so real way only you seem able to because we all know everything isn’t jelly beans and rainbows or however that line goes lol.

  • http://www.facebook.com/themrsfatass Sue O’Lear

    Thank you for giving me the link to this post. You were totally picking up what I was putting down on FB earlier. (Total sidenote: I don’t do yoga much anymore because certain poses ALWAYS make me fight back tears). Anyway. Thank you.