A Gunman, a Movie Theater and Senseless Violence

'Mourning' photo (c) 2008, Myrrien - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nd/2.0/

Senseless violence, suffering and pain… this time in a movie theater in the middle of the night. My heart breaks, there’s not much one can say.

Actually, I’m not sure there’s anything an unaffected* observer like myself could or should even attempt to say. (*affected in the sense that I’m heart-broken, but not directly affected by knowing anyone involved)

And I’m no expert about what one should say when someone’s loved one, friend or acquaintance is injured or dies, especially in a brutal shooting…
but here’s a few suggestions:

I’m so sorry.
I have no idea what you must be feeling.
I don’t know what to say, but I’ll be glad to listen.
What can I do to help?

.

But there are definitely a few things no one
should say about the loss of lives or the injured. 

Everything happens for a reason.
I understand the loss you are feeling.
My brother/aunt/cousin/friend died or was injured, so I know what you are going through.
God will never give you more than you can handle.
They are in a better place now.
It’s part of God’s (life’s) plan.
Someday you will understand.
The universe knows what you/we/they need.

.

Some of you will think that you or certain situations are different and therefore it’s okay for you to say these things. I know I haven’t talked to the world, but I hear from a lot of people dealing with difficult situations and each one has heard some or all of these and hardly any have appreciated having these things said to them about a trauma, tragedy or death.

.
Any other suggestions of things to say or not to say?

 

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  • http://twitter.com/krissymmurphy krissy murphy

    Thanks for sharing this important message, Janet.

    This one always bothers me: “It’s part of God (or life’s) plan.”

    I am not religious, but even for those who are, it just feels so empty to say something like to to someone dealing with a catastrophic event. It’s one thing if the person who experienced the issue directly says it themselves, but I cringe when others say this to try and make someone feel better about a tragedy.

    • http://www.JanetOberholtzer.com Janet Oberholtzer

      Great point Krissy… sometimes someone in the middle of a tragedy will say one or more of these things as they are trying to comprehend what happened… but them saying it and someone else saying it to them is very different. 

  • kclanderson

    Great post Janet…

    I find it’s best not to say anything that indicates I’m trying to “fix” the situation or that I’m trying to make someone not feel what they are feeling. I am not sure when I was able to make this distinction because I was brought up in an environment that was very much the opposite, but being able to see the difference is such a gift!

    • http://www.JanetOberholtzer.com Janet Oberholtzer

      Such a good reminder …we try to make someone not feel what they are feeling. I’ve done that to others and I’ve had it done to me. Thanks for that  reminder because only by being aware of that tendency will we stop doing it. 

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  • Christina

    I do think, in some cases, people use these phrases because they are uncomfortable and feel that something needs to be said. It’s almost a nervous reaction.

    • http://www.JanetOberholtzer.com Janet Oberholtzer

      I agree, nerves will do it. I’ve done that myself in the past… which is why it’s good to think about our reactions and what we say because then we stop ourselves from it. 
      As a Facebook commenter said, when something tragic happens, we’re all grappling with it and trying to make sense of it, so we say anything that we think of to try and reconcile it, but by thinking about our words ahead of time, hopefully we can stop ourselves before we add pain to an already painful situation. 

  • Pnierle935

    Very good reminders…I tend to talk through any silence, usually saying a lot of nothing. Listening more is a goal of mine!

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