Imitating Others is for Monkeys

For too many years, I’ve been waiting to arrive. To get it together. To have it made. To be like others who have been ‘there’ longer than me.

After spending the first seven years of my education in an one-room Mennonite and Amish school … my parents transferred me to another school for eighth grade. This was a bigger (relatively speaking) Mennonite school with a few hundred students. To me it was golden. I think I entered through pearly gates the first morning I arrived and I’m fairly sure the hallways were made of gold.

I watched all the students that had been in that glorious place the year before to see how one acts while there. I was sure they had it all together and I didn’t want to be ‘that’ girl … the country bunkin’ who does everything wrong. Thankfully I soon made friends and felt slightly safer, but I still constantly measured/critiqued myself against others. I wondered when the day would come when I’d be one of the crowd, instead of feeling like I’m on the outside looking in.

As the year progressed, something dawned on me … these students were just like me. They had their own insecurities and issues. They didn’t have it all together like it seemed to me at first.

I could be me.

In my early twenties, I made a choice to leave the Mennonite church of my family. I began attending a more liberal (relatively speaking) church. Again this change was glorious, but again I observed the others around me and patterned my behavior to fit some invisible mold. I longed for the day when I’d feel like I had it all together like I was sure they did.

Between the transition from the Mennonite world and having three boys in five years it took me too long a few years to come to the realization that I didn’t have to try and be like everyone else. Because truth be told, they didn’t have it all together either. They were just like me … trying to do the best they could in the middle of their own struggles, insecurities and issues.

I could be me.

Imitating others is for monkeys

The next decade my husband and I started a business. Again, my insecurities flared up. I joined the local business association, so I could learn from other business owners. Which in and of itself is a great idea, but I also did it so I could learn how to be one of them. I made some business decisions that were not wise because I tried to pattern our business after other businesses … instead of trusting my instincts.

I discovered … while many of these business owners were successful, that didn’t mean they had it all together. Each was doing the best they could in the midst of questions and issues. So why couldn’t I do the same? Our business would only thrive if we allowed ourselves to shine through, not when we focused on ‘arriving’ in the same way another business did.

I could be me.

I enter the world of writing and speaking. I watch the ‘big ones’ to see how this game is played. Learning from others is good … but I again take it a few steps too far and want to be just like the others, instead of being me. I end up frustrated, scared and unsure of myself. Somedays I feel like I’m back at age thirteen trying to fit in at the new school.

Slowly the lessons of the past manage to knock through my skull and realization dawns …

• I am me

• I am enough

• I don’t have to be them

• I have good ideas

• I have creativity

• I have thoughts

• They are worthwhile

• My thoughts count

• I don’t have to be like him/her

I can be me!

I’ve been telling myself versions of this over the years … but hopefully it will settle deeper into my psyche. Living life waiting for that moment when I ‘arrive’ means I will live my life chasing and never be content. It means I will make decisions that aren’t the best for myself, my family and/or my career.

But instead if I can live in the moment and know that the me I am today is enough for this moment … I will have peace.

Hopefully now when I enter new scenarios, I will remember that I am equally enough the day I arrive as the person who’s been playing there for a decade. Actually as a newbie, I am needed and necessary, because I can bring fresh ideas if I remember to …

… focus on being myself and not on being like everyone else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~