Monthly Archives: September 2010

For a few years following my injuries, I had surgery every year or two to improve the function of my legs. Each surgery was a success and that’s why I can run/bike/hike again.

I also sought the opinion of a few local surgeons about improving the appearance of my deformed leg. They all gave me a similar answer, something like … if they had to operate to improve function, they would. But despite its appearance, my leg functions amazingly well and it would be too risky to operate on it just for cosmetic reasons. (though it couldn’t be called an unnecessary cosmetic surgery)

To make sure I had explored all my options, I drove over three hours for a consultation with one of the top reconstructive plastic surgeons in the country. I knew he wasn’t God, but I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life pursuing doctor’s opinions, so before I went I decided I would accept his answer.

He was impressed with how well my leg functions. But his opinion about a surgery to improve its appearance was the same as the other surgeons. My leg was so compromised from all the injuries that a cosmetic surgery would be too risky. He explained how high the chances would be of losing my lower leg due to a blood clot, infection, etc.

I was disappointed, but accepted his answer. If surgery was so risky, I didn’t want to have it. I had gone through too much to risk losing my leg. Living with a funky, but functioning leg, would be easier than adjusting to a prosthesis. Somehow I would learn to do life with the appearance of my leg.

And most of the time I have.

I try to live every day fully alive … sharing hope through living, loving and laughing.

But that surgeon was a nice guy and he wanted to help me, so he gave me the name and number of surgeon that he thought would operate on me. At that time (about four years ago) I threw away that contact info, because I had decided I wouldn’t have a surgery that risky.

Today … I want to find that surgeon’s name and number.

I want to call him.

I’m tired of wearing long pants and long skirts the majority of the time.

I’m tired of inquiring glances when I wear shorts to run/hike/bike, etc.

I hope the desire to make that call fades ….

For Sunday Sayings, I post portions from whatever book I am reading that week.

Last Sunday I posted a section from Chapter 1 of  Permission To Speak Freely by Anne Jackson. That post was about fear. Here’s a portion from the last chapter about the freedom of overcoming fear.

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On Wednesday I did a book review and giveaway of Permission To Speak Freely.

Sara, congratulations, you are the winner!

Nine years ago, I was gearing up for a normal, busy day at Meadow Gardens, the garden center my husband and I owned. I put on my work gloves (I’d learned my lesson after cutting my hands a zillion times on the edge of pots) as a delivery truck backed up to the greenhouse door. I noticed the normally-jovial driver was quiet as he got out of the truck and walked to the back to open the doors.

“I just heard something odd on the radio,” he said. “A plane hit a tower in NYC. And they don’t know if it was an accident or intentional.”

Thankfully it was only a small order and we soon finished unloading the mums. I ran into the house (our house was 25 steps away from the business) and turned on the TV … in time to see the second tower get hit.

Oh my …

It was unreal watching the news unfold that day … I found myself repeatedly wishing it was all just a movie.

Songs, books, presidents, clergy and more have all promised to  never forget.

And I agree, we should never forget. The lives loss. The lives affected. The injured. The terror.

But in the process of never forgetting … do we need to be unkind? Or unloving? Or do things that incite others?

I don’t see exception clauses in Jesus’ words about loving our enemies and loving our neighbors as ourself.

As I think about never forgetting, I think back on my own journey of learning to love my neighbors, which meant first loving myself. And I realize how much more I have to learn about loving others, whether they be friends or enemies.

Jesus also said that the world will know his followers by their love. So spreading love could honor the lives loss while fulfilling his words and bringing a whole new meaning to never forget.

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Recently I ‘met’ Sarah Cunningham … I read her newest book, Picking Dandelions: A Search for Eden Among Life’s Weeds and communicated with her online. (And I look forward to meeting her in real life soon)

Picking Dandelions (a spiritual memoir) is a great book over all and especially if you want to read a first-hand account of someone who was at Ground Zero. Sarah spent two weeks at Ground Zero right after the attacks, as a volunteer supporting rescue efforts and she wants 9/11 to be a day of love, instead of hate.

So Sarah and her publisher, Zondervan are spreading some love by giving away free copies of her book in honor of 9/11.

Read Sarah’s thoughts on the day and enter to get a free book on her site.

Plus, Zondervan is GIVING AWAY the full, electronic version of Picking Dandelions. You can download it for FREE at Amazon starting Sept 13th (Monday). Limited time only.

Or you can get the paperback version at an obscenely discounted price here. Enter the discount code ‘980763′.

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So today (and everyday) I want to never forget by intentionally spreading love and kindness to friends and enemies alike. I plan to do something practical before the day is over and blog about it next week (hold me accountable, if you haven’t seen a post by Wed, ask me about it)

Where can you spread some love and kindness today as an act of never forgetting?

I recently read Permission To Speak Freely: Essays and Art on Fear, Confession, and Grace, by Anne Jackson. I started it one evening, thinking I’ll read a few chapters and then go to bed — that didn’t happen, I stayed up until I finished it. The good thing is, though it’s packed with good information, it can easily be read in a few hours. I’ve since found myself going back to reread and ponder over certain sections.

Anne has a popular blog called FlowerDust. On there, she asked, “What is the one thing you feel you can’t say in the church?”

Hundreds of people responded and a book idea was born. Some of the responses are in Permission To Speak Freely in the form of postcards, letters and artwork.

In the book, Anne talks about the fear too many of us have about sharing our past or current struggles in church. This fear comes from our own brokenness, along with an unauthentic atmosphere that exists in too many churches.

Some sections of the book are a memoir — Anne writes about different things that happened to her or that she did and how she handled the consequences of them. And how she continues to learn how to be real about what’s going on in her world.

If you’ve ever been annoyed or frustrated after reading a book, because you wondered how the author (and others) manage to live a ‘perfect’ life, you’ll enjoy Permission To Speak Freely. Because it won’t make you feel that way. Anne is honest about her good and her bad days. She’s real about needing meds for emotional struggles and that her doctor is still trying to diagnose what causes her imbalances. She’s real about her marriage and how her husband handled it when she wanted out of it one day.

Hope shines in the book because Anne writes about the freedom of sharing, confessing and processing our issues with a trusted person. And she shares about God’s love, grace and forgiveness for ourselves and others … no matter what’s going on in our life.

I asked Anne two questions and she graciously responded …

My question: Since the church can be a scary place to share our secrets in (hopefully your book will begin to change that) especially if we are just beginning to process our stuff, I assume we need to be wise about who to share our secrets with. Any tips on how to choose who is safe to tell and who isn’t?

Anne Jackson: Absolutely we need to be wise. Pray that God will give you clarity on who you should open up to, and I really believe he is faithful in that. He knew I needed to open up to someone about my past in order to continue to heal, and he provided that in my friend Kristi. In the same way, he knew my friend Crystal was desperately needing someone to share her struggles with and laid on my heart to open up to her. He’s working behind the scenes…we just need to pay attention and be bold.

My question: You write about the discrepancy between Jesus’ teachings and somethings you saw happening in churches and with pastors. Any advice on finding a good church?

Anne Jackson: Finding a home church is difficult. I’ve grown up in church. I know how it “works” and so it’s hard for me to not be critical or suspecting. I laid out a few things that were “musts:” A focus on the Bible and expository (not “this is how to fix your life” teaching but “this verse says this and this is what it meant and perhaps what it means today.”) teaching with sound doctrine, a place where the focus was worshipping God as a community so we could be prepared and thankful to go out and love on the world, a budget that didn’t mainly go to administrative costs and went more to the community and missional work, and a church that actively helped the homeless in our community and the poor in the world. And that is how I started going to my church. When I’m on the road, they recognize I’m gone and I get texts from people who notice and say they miss me. I was on staff at a church and didn’t attend there for about six months…nobody noticed. How community is expressed is vital (for me) in a body of believers.

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This book is so needed today, so I’m grateful to Anne for writing this book and for answering a few questions. I plan to purchase a few of these for gifts.

So in the spirit of this book, what is one thing that you don’t feel comfortable talking about in your church?

Leave a comment (with email address, if we don’t know each other and/or there’s no auto link) before Friday at noon and you’ll be entered to win a copy of Permission to Speak Freely.

Hope has meant different things to me at different times. I used to view hope as a flittering bird-like thing and I could only wish it came close enough for me to catch. Over the years, I changed my thoughts about hope. I’m thinking my attitude determines whether or not I have hope.

As a teen — hope meant not wishfully marrying the first boy I ‘fell in love’ with, but instead trying to find a man I could marry where my dream of a good marriage had potential.

As a frazzled mom of three preschool boys dreaming of an empty nest — hope meant making the most of that time (sometimes that meant a nap for me) instead of wishfully dreaming of the future. It meant allowing them to ‘help’ me clean and cook (even if flour ended up everywhere) so they would grow up to be men who do that.

As a struggling business owner, with never enough time or money — hope meant finding a balance of work and play, so I and the business, would live to see another day.

Waking up in a hospital 3,000 miles from home and finding out I almost died and that some aspects of my recovery were unknown – hope meant taking a deep breath (but not too deep or it hurt my broken rib and punctured lung) and focusing on what I could do to help myself heal, instead of stressing myself by worrying about the future.

A year later, when my body had recovered better than expected, but my mind and spirit were overwhelmed with the life-long effects of the trauma — hope meant taking more deep breaths, seeking help from others and giving myself time, space and permission to be renewed by the love of God. My body wasn’t the only thing that needed to heal.

Identifying what hope has looked like over the years, has made me realize I don’t need to feel hopeless now — about my dream of being a speaker and published author. Hope means taking deep breaths (oxygen is always good) and not stressing about the future, while doing what’s within my ability each day — studying, writing, learning, sharing, etc.

What has and/or does hope mean to you?

Last week I wrote about my lightbulb moment when I realized that I needed to love myself and that meant not accepting rejection from ‘her’.

That moment came during a time of anger at myself and others over messy relationships. I was beating myself up for what I saw as failures on my part in relationships. I felt like I never said or did the right things at the right time. I was calling myself names like stupid, not-loyal, inconsiderate and worse.

Then I read where Jesus said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

So in order to love others, I had to first love me? How I loved or did not love myself would affect my relationships with others?

And the surprising thing is … that’s how it works. If I call myself names, I’m quicker to call others names. If I put myself down, I’ll put others down. If I hate myself, I hate others.

And if I accept myself for who I’m — flaws and all, I’m quicker to accept others for who they are. If I respect my journey so far, instead of beating myself up for what I did or didn’t say/do/think/believe — I’m more likely to respect others.

I reread some Biblical descriptions about love. The words are so familiar, I skimmed over them as I read them … “Love is patient, love is kind. It is not proud.”

But what does love is kind really mean?

If I give money to a mission/person to go to another country to help others and/or tell others about God’s love, but I say unkind things about that same people/religious/cultural group in my own country … am I being kind?

What do you think … what does “loving your neighbors as yourself” mean to you?

For Sunday sayings, I post portions from whatever book I am reading that week.

This week I read “Permission To Speak Freely“ by Anne Jackson. Excerpt from Chapter 1 …

The only thing that’s normal and common about us is that we all have our issues. Each of us.

Fear continues to tell us that, because of these secrets, we’re alone. And that we can’t speak freely.

But Fear is wrong. We are not alone.

Regardless of what shame, what question, what trepidation, what history, what anxiety, whatever you are carrying deep inside, you are not alone.

Scripture says we have not been given a spirit of fear. So why do so many of us experience Fear?

Why do so many of us continue to feel trapped?

And why, of all places on earth, do we fear revealing our secrets in church?

Anne’s personal website is Flowerdust and the book’s website is PermissionToSpeakFreely.

Come back on Wednesday for a review of the book and a chance to win a copy.

Laughter is healthy.

I try to eat well and I exercise regularly. I do it mostly to be and feel healthy. I want to look nice, but I’m not obsessed with what my body looks like. (which is a good thing, considering the leg I live with)

So I laughed at this revised prayer …

Yesterday I did a few different things online … which is a normal random day for me. And I know that online sites, especially social media sites, match the ads displayed to me by what I do, where I go, what I search for, etc.

This morning that was really driven home.

Fast forward to this morning … I went on a blog to read it. It’s a blog that has changing ads on the side. The first ad was from the website where I ordered my trash can from. This is not a familiar or name brand store (at least not to me), so I chuckled and thought … what an odd coincidence.

Then I clicked on a second post on the blog, which changed the ads and the new ad was from one of the photo book sites I spent some time on yesterday. Now I thought … interesting, kinda feels like more than a coincidence.

So I had to experiment and clicked on a third post and sure enough it was for the stock photography site. Now this almost feels like stalking.

Now I’m curious, so I’m going to click on one more post on the site to see what the new ad is for. Here I go …

It’s an ad to “Go back to school and improve your skills” at the University of Phoenix. I was not on their site recently or any school/university/college site.

So now instead of the ads following me, I guess they are telling me where to go. Apparently ’they’ have seen that a skill of mine needs improving. Maybe ‘they’ have noticed how often I misspell a word or change/correct a sentence and ‘they’ figure it is time I improve my skills.

Or maybe I just paranoid this morning …

Have you even been ‘followed’ or ‘encouraged’ by ads on blogs, Facebook or other sites?